Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So vagazzling was a success
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
