So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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