you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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