A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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