I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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