The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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