I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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