Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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