imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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