Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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