So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Help. Why am I so naked?
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