There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
