awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
