I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
