hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
