Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
