i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
