Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
