it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
