Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
