my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
