Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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