y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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