I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
