The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
