I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
