Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
