what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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