I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
