you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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