i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Send help, water and tortillas.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
