Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
