Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
