I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
