if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
