Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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