I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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