Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
