btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
