He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
