Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
