i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
be right there i have to get my cape
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
