i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
