Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
