Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
