i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
