Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
