WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
