i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
