what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
